Ashes of Despair
by Erika
Summary: Sometimes hope can be born from the ashes of despair.


**_Title_**: Ashes of Despair

**_Author_**: Erika

**_Rating_**: PG13 (subject matter)

**_Summary_**: Sometimes hope can be born from the ashes of despair.

**_Time Frame_**: Obi-Wan is 18

**_Spoilers_**: I don't think so

**_Category_**: angst, POV, h/c, non-slash

**_Disclaimers_**: The Star Wars universe and all of its characters belong to George Lucas, I'm only borrowing them to have a little fun and I promise to return them unharmed (well, at least mostly unharmed). I'm making no money off of this and this is written for entertainment purposes only. Any characters that are not recognizable as being part of the SW universe belong to me.

**_Feedback_**: Please (firedrake88@yahoo.com)

**_Archive_**: Jedi Apprentice, Early Years, Wolfie's Den, JAFD, The Guardians of Peace, and anyone who has any of my other stories. Anyone else who wants this, please ask and send me a link to your site so that I can check it out.

**_Note_**: The song I mention, "Sing a Song", is actually a Spanish song "Canta Una Cancion" by singer Cristian Castro. The song is very beautiful and has very meaningful lyrics. My favorite line, translated is, "Sing a song of love to the people of the earth, maybe singing they will stop fighting." (It sounds better in Spanish)

**_Warning:  _**This story deals with the WTC tragedy.

Things in 's are telepathic communication through the Master/Padawan bond.

Ashes of Despair

**Obi-Wan:**

          The smoke was so thick that I couldn't see anything, it was like a dark cloud had washed over the world, blocking out all light. A deep blanket of night had descended over everything, filling the air with terror so palpable that it was thicker than even the smoke that obscured my vision.

          I held the draping sleeve of my robe over my mouth and nose, trying to breathe as little of the polluted air as possible. I could see no more than a few inches in front of me and my eyes were beginning to tear, further clouding my vision.

          In the fear and chaos around me, I didn't know what had happened. Groups of local law enforcement officers, as well as Jedi and civilian volunteers had come together to try and attend to the injured people in the Universal Center of Commerce. A little less than an hour earlier a commercial traveling ship had been hijacked by terrorists and flown directly into the tallest building on all of Coruscant. The resulting explosion had destroyed part of the upper section of the building and had sent down a shower of burning debris. The Universal Center of Commerce could hold almost half a million people at its full capacity and it was, as of yet, unknown how many people had suffered injury from the explosion.

          I had arrived a few minutes earlier with a group of other senior Padawans and some Masters, prepared to help in any way I could. From afar we could see the building, towering over all the others in the vast city, and had watched it as the taxi-ship took us closer to the scene of destruction. Even from inside our transport we could see the towering fire that had spread out to consume a good portion of the building in its hot and hungry flames of destruction. Flames leapt up the side of the structure to eat away at it, and every few minutes we'd see a good sized chunk of the building fall to the ground that lay so far below. 

          We had managed to make it almost all the way to the building in the transport but were then hindered by the crowd of people and ships trying to get as far away from the Universal Center of Commerce as possible. Eventually Adi Gallia had told everyone that we'd have to walk the rest of the way. Progress had been difficult and slow. It had been hard to make our way through the mass of frightened people running the opposite direction. 

          In a daze, I had shoved my way through them all. I couldn't believe what was happening. The truth had yet to sink in. Terrorists had attacked the Universal Center of Commerce. The words seemed cruel and unreal. How could this have happened? How could anyone have done this? The building had stood, undamaged, for almost a thousand years. It was a very symbol of freedom. Millions of people came each year to take a tour of it. Nearly half a million more worked within its walls every day. Force, how many of those people had already died? How many more were trying to make their way out of it, blinded with terror?

          A loud crashing explosion that I would never forget had roused me from my state of shock. The sound, angry and so loud that it hurt my ears and head, had washed through the city in a harsh wave of power, leaving behind it a wake of utter silence. In that silence I had heard screams which others could not – the terrified call of thousands of voices suddenly being silenced forever. The stillness had lasted only half a second at the most before my ears were filled with the sounds of frightened, questioning voices. Before anyone could even begin to fathom what had happened, everything had gone dark.

          Smoke had filled the streets so quickly that no one knew exactly what had happened. In the frantic shouts around me I could pick out voices saying that perhaps another ship had hit the Universal Center of Commerce, but in my heart I knew it was something much worse than that.

          Now I was standing in the middle of a walkway, surrounded by the thickest cloud of smoke I had ever seen. Driven by a sense of growing urgency I ruthlessly pushed my way through the crowd of smoke hidden people, making my way to where I knew the building stood, even though I couldn't see it. 

          The smoke was so thick that it was black in its color and after a few minutes I could barely breathe and my eyes were watering profusely. Even still, I pushed on. Running into faceless people that I could barely make out in the smoke, I continued towards the building, forgetting all else but my need to get there.

          Every once in while I would hear a loud crash, or feel burning ash fall on my back, but I hadn't even begun to imagine what had happened. I had no idea what I would find when I got there, I only knew I had to get there. My body, my heart, and my very soul were filled with a deep sense of fear and loss. The Force whispered in urgency around me, adding to the terror that was growing in the pit of my stomach. 

          Finally the smoke began to clear a little, lightening to dark grey instead of a deep black. Ahead of me I could make out the outline of people as they emerged like ghosts from the smoke, covered from head to toe in a grey layer of ashes, dust, and debris. In the parade of voices I was able to make out one phrase that shot pure horror through every vein in my body and nearly made me collapse in fear.

          "The Universal Center of Commerce collapsed!" a frightened man yelled, "may the stars save us all!"

          'No!' was my silent cry…all those people inside…there was no way they could have survived that and Qui-Gon…my Master had gone earlier than me, in hopes of helping those in need. What if he had already been inside the building? What if…?

          Master? I cried out through our bond, but the Force was full of the terror and confusion of thousands of people, running desperately through the streets, and I could not reach Qui-Gon. In the Force, I could feel nothing but the fear of those that surrounded me. It was overwhelming. Their terror was palpable, almost to the point where I felt that all I had to do was reach out to touch it. 

          The fear of so many people cascaded over my brain to the point that I could barely think and tears threatened fill my already stinging and watering eyes. 'No', I thought desperately, 'no, oh please no…' 

          How could this have happened? How could the building have collapsed? It had stood tall and proud for as long as anyone could remember…and longer still. Force, how many people had just been killed in the collapse? And Qui-Gon…no…

          This was wrong, this was all wrong. How could anyone have done this? Knowing that so many people worked in that building? Knowing how many people would die? The horror and sheer disbelief was so great that I froze, unable to move as much as I wanted to. I had to find Qui-Gon. He had to be okay. 

          "Master!" I screamed out loud, my voice rising up above those of so many others who surrounded me. "Qui-Gon!"

          Obi-Wan! joy surged through me when I heard my Master's voice.

          Master? I questioned softly, unable to quell the fear that had suddenly claimed my soul, the fear of losing him.

          Obi-Wan, the man's voice was soft and gentle, filled with so much love and concern that it tore at my heart, Padawan, you're having another nightmare, please wake up child.

          Nightmare? Again? It couldn't be. It was so real. It was always so real. It was like I was there again, experiencing the terror of not knowing whether Qui-Gon was all right or not. Not knowing whether he'd been inside the building when it had collapsed. How could this be another nightmare? I had relived this so many times, why couldn't I just forget? Why couldn't I just forget about what had happened, about the lives that had been lost, and about the terror that had gripped me when I hadn't known about Qui-Gon? Why couldn't I just forget it all?

          I forced myself away from the terrible visions that surrounded me and slowly forced my sleep-heavy eyes open. Once awake I could feel the rapid pulsing of my heart as it thudded against the confines of my chest, trying to break free. The only sound in my room was that of my panted breathing. It was dark and cold. I could barely make out the form of my Master, sitting at the side of my bed.

          I closed my eyes and calmed my breathing and racing heart, but could do nothing to quiet the terror that had rebounded into me. I couldn't stop myself from thinking about what had happened. I had been frantic and distraught because of the tragedy. I had tried several times to contact Qui-Gon and to use the Force to find him, but I hadn't been able to. Terrified at the thought of losing him in such a horrible way, I had rushed to the Universal Center of Commerce, a towering pile of burning ruble, and had madly started to rush into what remained of the building.

          Reason and logic had failed me. I had to find Qui-Gon. I had hurried forward without thinking, without weighing the consequences of my actions. It had taken two men to stop me. They had come up from behind and grabbed me, holding my arms behind my back as they had dragged me back to safely. I had fought them all the way and cried out my Master's name several times in desperation. 

          They had been seconds away from sedating me when a large hand had come to rest on my shoulder and I had turned around to find Qui-Gon standing there. He was covered in dust and ashes, his face and hair were grey from the debris, but he was alive! I had been so happy that I had thrown myself into his arms, needing to hold him tightly and touch him for the reality to sink it that he really was okay. His arms had come around me seconds later, holding me close as tremors of both fear and relief wracked my body. He had murmured comforting words in my ear as he rocked me slightly in his arms but even though I knew he said more, all I could remember was, "It'll be all right, Padawan, it'll be all right."

          Weeks had past, and still the terror of what had happened was fresh in my mind. So many people had lost their lives. Families and friends had all lost loved ones. No one had gone unaffected. I couldn't get the images out of my head. Every time I closed my eyes and every time I went to sleep I saw it again, lived through it again. I hadn't slept through one night without waking up. Usually my screams brought Qui-Gon to my room to shake me awake. I had relived the panicked frenzy I had experienced at the thought of losing him so many times that I couldn't count them anymore.

          Despite everything Qui-Gon told me and all the meditations we shared, I couldn't come to terms with what had happened. It was just too shocking. Too horribly shocking to believe and to accept. 

          I felt a gentle hand cup my cheek and looked up at my Master. I could hardly see him but the comfort came from just knowing he was there for me. Always there for me. "Master," I said, voice breaking.

          "Obi-Wan," he soothed softly, "my Padawan."

          I touched the hand on my cheek and intertwined my fingers with his, squeezing tightly. "Thank you, Master," I murmured quietly, "for waking me."

          "What was it this time, Padawan?" he asked.

          I knew that Qui-Gon already knew, for he had surely heard me screaming his name, but my Master believed that discussing my dreams would lessen their impact on me. He never forced me to tell him though, and sometimes I did, while other times I couldn't bring myself to speak of it for the sadness was too overwhelming.

          "I don't think I could have survived loosing you," I choked out over the lump that had suddenly formed in my throat. I could feel the tears fighting to emerge but I held them at bay, embarrassed and ashamed that I wasn't handling this better.

          "You didn't lose me, Obi-Wan," he reminded me, bringing up his other hand to caress my cheek, "I'm right here with you, Padawan, and I won't leave you alone."

          I nodded. I knew that Qui-Gon was okay, but I couldn't stop myself from thinking about the possibility of having lost him on that terrible, horrible, day. It was selfish to be so grateful that he was alive when so many others had perished, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't help any of it. For as much grief and confusion that I felt for what had happened, I felt that much joy that Qui-Gon had lived. 

          I closed my eyes. It was horrible. Because of the hate of a group of angry people, thousands upon thousands had lost their lives. I couldn't understand it. I couldn't understand that much hate and hoped I never would. The images were plastered into my brain, haunting me wherever I went. 

          "I'm here, Obi-Wan," my Master repeated, flooding our bond with his love and comfort, "Just let go, I'm here."

          I shook my head softly but was unable to stop the tears that seeped out from underneath my closed eyelids, coming forth to wet my face. I tried to fight them, but could not. The droplets of sadness and confusion continued to flood forward until my body was torn by something close to sobs. 

          I didn't open my eyes when I felt Qui-Gon lean forward to capture me in a tight embrace. Instead I let him comfort me, let him hold me close and sway me gently in his arms like a small baby. It shamed me, but I needed the comfort, I needed for him to hold me. Releasing his hand I fisted my hands in his tunic and clung to him tightly, hiding my face in the folds of his shirt.

          "I wish I could say something so that it would all make sense to you, Obi-Wan," my Master lamented, soothingly stroking my hair with a gentle hand, "but I can't. All I can do is tell you that you're not alone and that everyone is feeling the grief you are feeling now. What happened is unspeakable, terrible beyond what words can describe, but let the good this had brought out of people, comfort you."

          Good? What good? So many people had _died_, what good was there in that? I snuggled closer to my Master as the wash of tears continued to wrack through my body, stealing my ability to speak.

          "You've blinded yourself to the light that shines through this darkness, my young Padawan. You're so overwhelmed by what happened that you can't see it, but it's there. So much good has come from the midst of this despair, Obi-Wan, you need to take comfort in that."

          I shook my head slightly, still not understanding.

          Qui-Gon pressed a soft kiss to the top of my forehead, "In the days after the accident thousands of people rushed forward to donate blood for those in need, and money to help repair the damage. You didn't know that, did you? So many people have goodness in their souls, young one, don't let the evil in the hearts of others blind you to that."

          I leaned further into my Master's embrace, letting his tunic soak up the tears that refused to stop, the tears that flowed like a river of sadness through my body. 

          "A group of young children from a school nearby went around to all their neighbors' houses until they had collected enough money to send a single rose to everyone who lost a loved one in the tragedy. Another school sent out cards with words of sympathy and love on them. A choir of young girls went to the wreckage site and performed, "Sing a Song," in memory of those who lost their lives. People have come together in face of this, Obi-Wan. They have come together in grief and love with the hope for a better future. Don't shut yourself out to the light in others, if you let yourself feel it then perhaps this won't seem so horrible because you'll realize that no one is alone in this. We're all in this together, Obi-Wan. You'll never forget what happened, but if you look at all the good people are doing, perhaps it won't be quite so overwhelming."

          I swallowed down my tears and went completely still, listening to Qui-Gon's words. Was he right? _Had_ I blinded myself to the love that had been born from the ashes of despair? Was there good that I hadn't seen because I had been so lost in the horror of what had happened?

          "There is always good in the universe, my Obi-Wan. You just have to know how to see it. Don't forget the tragedy of what happened, but don't lose yourself in it either, child. There is hope, even in the darkness of hours. As long as we come together, we can fight of this tragedy and show the people who did this that they have not weakened what makes the people of Coruscant great. That is the greatest punishment we can give them, to show them that they have failed, that we won't let them fill us with fear and hopelessness." 

          The tears of despair slowly stopped as I let Qui-Gon's quiet, gentle, and soothing voice, so filled with love and comfort, soak through me. I knew he was right. Good was always stronger than evil. Light was the one thing that could wash away the darkness. I couldn't let myself forget the good in the universe, even in face of so much death. In honor of those who had lost their lives, we had to stand tall and come together as a people. With love we could overcome this horror. 

          "Thank you, Qui-Gon," I said softly, bringing my arms around to hug him tightly.

          My Master didn't answer. Instead I could feel his sincere love and desire to help me reflected through our bond. Qui-Gon had been hit hard by this too. The unnecessary loss of so many lives had filled him with a deep sadness and confusion as to why anyone would do such a thing, but he had hidden that, realizing I needed for him to be strong for me. His consideration for me was touching. He had always been one to sacrifice himself for others. 

          "I love you, Master," I said softly, feeling the need for him to understand how much he meant to me. I cared for Qui-Gon so much and I knew that he cared for me too, but we had never told each other how much we felt. We had known; there had been no reason to speak those words. Now, however, things had changed. I now realized how unpredictable the future was and I didn't want something to happen to either Qui-Gon, or myself, without ever having told him how much he meant to me.

          "I love you too, Obi-Wan," he answered softly, "You're all I have left."

          I felt Qui-Gon tighten his arms, holding me even more closely to him, and reveled in the sudden sense of peace that filled me. Even in the horror of this event, there was still hope and light. Even in the sadness of this tragedy, there was still joy and goodness. Nothing could bring the dead back to life but as long as we stood strong and everyone came together as a people, the light in the universe would never be destroyed and those who had lost their lives would live on in our memories, and in our hearts.

The End


End file.
